Dating my dad

I’d even embellished the encounter, writing about positions we hadn’t done and orgasms I hadn’t come close to. As my mother continued to comfort me with a variety of sugary snacks, the doorbell rang. His words were rushed, and then he broke into tears. I don’t know how long I was out there, but when I came back in, the kitchen was dark and everyone had gone to bed. “I had a girlfriend in high school, before I met your mother,” he continued. The idea of moving on without looking back, even if it hurts, felt tangible. And after years of small talk, the fact that my father had had an ex-girlfriend before my mom was shocking to me. The assumption that my dad and I were tight often tugged at my heart.

Only my father was still up, reliably watching opening monologue. “I liked her a lot, but after we broke up, we never talked to each other again. I heard a few years ago that her husband passed away from cancer. I wasn’t the only one in the room with an unshared side of my life. I sat down and watched the rest of with him in silence. In the years since Corby, he and I had gone back to our old ways: I spoke to him on holidays, and in the entire year of 2007, only once, on Christmas.

We talk about getting the best deal on cell-phone plans. I suppose our relationship was a common one between fathers and daughters, especially for those of us whose fathers had a very traditional upbringing in the 1960s.

He was closest to his grandmother, who had immigrated when she was only 16. We made fart jokes together and we built school projects together, but when it came to actually communicating, he passed the baton to my mom, which turned my dad into somewhat of an unknown entity. But every now and then, my mom passed along a request from him that gave me pause.

I didn’t want him to know I was in pain, and I didn’t want him to feel bad that I wasn’t talking to him about it.

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On one of my recent visits home, we talked about Cleveland sports teams and then watched the final two minutes of the 1988 AFC Championships on You Tube, in which the Browns fumbled and suffered a heartbreaking loss to the Denver Broncos. My dad was raised by second-generation Italian Catholic immigrants in a town where many of the adults still preferred to speak Italian over English. Maybe he took his grandmother’s words a little too literally, because my dad spent the majority of my childhood not doing a lot of talking.

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