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It made landfall with wind speeds of 185mph yesterday, making it the second-strongest Atlantic storm on record, and the joint-strongest ever to hit land.

I ask him, giggling, if he’s at least going to take me to dinner first. And the person I am today is a person with hemorrhoids. They form inside the rectum and tend to hang down and peek out until they’re physically, unceremoniously, forced back in. I called my dad and asked, “Have you ever had hemorrhoids? I’m surprised the waiting room isn’t filled with empty chairs and people standing, looking forlornly at the seats. Inside, there seems to be a standard bench, but this one has a outcropping to place your knees on. I don’t know.” What I didn’t say: “That’s a tissue covered in anal mucus and blood. ” ♦◊♦ After the leakage, I started to get itchy as well.So I make some jokes, and the doctor puts his finger in me, and I stop making jokes. I realize that I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet that day, and begin to worry that he may effectively be destroying a dam.Some say it’s from sitting on the toilet too long (guilty). Others say it’s from not eating enough fiber (guilty). Also, there’s obesity (guilty), heavy lifting (guilty—remember when my balls twisted together? I’m not exactly sure when I first noticed, but at some point, during wiping (another thing, I am a notorious hyper wiper—perhaps another cause), I realized I had a little buddy. A friend who wanted to poke his head out and see what was going on. The doctor fiddles with something and with several mechanical whirrs, the bench rises about a foot and dips forward.♦◊♦ Hemorrhoids are inflamed bits of vein that fill with blood, bleed, and are very painful and sensitive. I had not expected that Transformers would play a role in my butt-health crisis.

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